Men of Courage &
Women of Passion
Caution: A Discussion for ADULTS
By Kyle & Trish Christensen
I (Kyle) have resisted
writing this article for some time. It is not a comfortable topic. But
as I have sought to work with and help some of my patients discover the
underlying root of their health challenges, the discussion of marriage
relationships has recurred time and again. It was important, because of
the subject matter, that my wife join me in writing this, to ensure the
perspective is not one sided.
When a person does not
have the support, skills, maturity or experience to adequately deal with
the stresses or trauma that comes their way, the subconscious mind will
often suppress or stuff down that emotion or experience. The result can
be what is referred to as a trapped emotion that can resurface as
physical, mental or emotional symptoms. As trapped emotions accumulate
in the subconscious mind, we can begin to have symptoms - tight
shoulders, fears or anxiety about certain situations, even chronic or
degenerative diseases.
Let me give you an
example: You are 3 years old and you are trying to put on your socks all
by yourself. Try as you might, you can't do it. You get very frustrated
and throw your socks down. Observing this, your older sister calls you a
baby. You begin to cry saying "I'm not a baby!" "Yes you are! See
you're crying like a baby - you baby!" So what do you do? You stop
crying, swallow your frustration and humiliation and stuff those
emotions down. While this is a silly example, it demonstrates how we can
deal with stress. From that point, you may be more cautious to avoid
situations where you fail and may be thought of as "a baby". In fact,
you may not even be consciously aware of how your behavior has changed.
When it comes to the
marriage relationship - [and as a Bible believing Christian, I do
support the traditional concept of marriage] - most of us bring to it
misinformation and a lack of understanding of what this new relationship
really entails. Truly marriage is for our learning and growth -
together.
Mainstream media widely broadcasts images of sexuality that often are contrary to that of a healthy monogamous relationship.
Sadly, the healthy
counterpoint of a loving, committed enduring relationship is rarely
portrayed in contemporary literature and media. The truth is, it is
within the grasp of many of us to live and experience a better,
passion-filled, creatively-empowered love that is so enticing it makes
the counterfeits look as empty as they truly are. Even though people of
faith speak out against our permissive culture's values, the healthy
counter proposal is rarely discussed.
Many are taught that
physical intimacy is dirty or immoral (but then all of a sudden - you
are married and these deeply ingrained negative beliefs are suddenly
ok). During courtship she is showered with attention and affection,
which is one of her basic needs. After the wedding for him the focus
shifts to physical intimacy (which is now ok). If she doesn't enjoy it
(which can be for many reasons), she can feel used, guilty or taken
advantage of. This can lead to withdrawal of her affection (often
subconsciously) because every time she gets affectionate, he gets turned
on and wants to retired to the bedroom. After time, she feels she would
just as soon not have affection as to have to deal with his seemingly
ever persistent needs.
As a result, he begins
to withdraw. Feeling rejected at home, his energies may turn to work,
sports, hunting, or anything to justify being away from home. At work or
out with the guys, he gets the some of the positive reinforcement he
needs.
Add 10, 20 or 30 years
and the hurt, scars and bitterness can be intolerable. Outwardly, a
happy, loving and even affectionate couple may be observed, but inwardly
they are at war. Often a cold war with ever shifting tactical maneuvers
or deliberate squirmishes planned out to inflict damage and pain. Each
living a life can plod onward suffering quietly and alone, seeking to
find solace and happiness in other arenas.
So What's the Difference
We believe at the root
of all of this is a fundamental misunderstanding of the differences
between a man and a women. While the Golden Rule (Do unto others, as you
would have them do unto you) is a great rule in managing most
relationships, it simply does not work within the core needs of a
husband and wife. Because, quite honestly, the needs of a man and a
woman in a marriage relationship are very different from each other.
While psychological
studies may differ, many suggest that her basic needs in a marriage
relationship differ from his. This is what seems to resonate true with
many couples.
Her Needs:
A woman's two most basic needs are
1) To Be Loved and be shown affection
She needs to be hugged
and kissed. Told that she is loved and is beautiful - not necessarily
sexual, but she needs just basic affection. She may enjoy intimacy with
her husband, but it is the affection that she enjoys the most.
2) To Be Taken Care of -
or Security -not only financial security but emotional security. She
needs someone she can trust with her heart and feelings - totally. She
needs someone to talk to and with. Someone who listens without judging
or condemning. She needs someone she can just be with - comfortably
without having to be on her guard.
His Needs:
1) Intimate Relations
Men have a strong sex
drive, not because they are dirty old men, but because God gave it to
them. Without it, they wouldn't have a need to get married. Society and
culture says (or at least it used to) "If you want intimate relations,
you had better get married". So he finds the prettiest girl, falls in
love with her, asks her to marry him and they get married.
He expects to have
sexual relations ever after. If he does, he's satisfied, but if he
doesn't, he begins to feel used and taken advantage of. He's out there
working, earning a living to take care of his wife and she doesn't seem
to care about meeting his basic need.
Both men and women base
their acceptability on sexuality. Most women know they are desirable
because men pursue them. But most men don't know because women generally
do not pursue. Every time a man initiates intimate relations, he is, in
fact, begging for acceptance. If she says, "Yes", he is satisfied for a
while, but it is short lived because he had to ask for it. If she
pursues him, he feels fantastic for days because she wanted him and
found him desirable.
If a woman gives herself
to her husband, she will never feel taken advantage of, but if she only
gives in to his pursuits, she may feel taken advantage of. Women -
Enjoy giving! Decide that you are going to make him the happiest man
around. If a caring man's needs are met, he will do everything he can to
meet his wife's needs, especially in an unconditional relationship.
Intimate relations
should be the frosting on the cake in a good marriage, but in too many
instances it becomes the wedge that destroys marriage - whether it ends
in divorce or mutual toleration.
Have the Conversation
If you are in a committed marriage and are truly sincere on making it
what it could and should become, we invite you to have "the
conversation". What we mean is to talk openly and honestly, without the
intent to manipulate "to get what you want or feel you deserve". This
conversation must be without ultimatums, without coercion or demands,
but with the sole intent of improving the quality of life of the other.
Stephen Covey taught that we should: Seek first to Understand, Then to be Understood. This is important.
We invite men to seek
the truth of how your wife's needs (To Be Loved and shown non-sexual
affection, and to feel secure and cared for) are being met by you. Men
begin by asking if these needs as described are really true for her? Is
feeling loved and secure something you really think about? Men ask your
wife - Do I make you feel loved by me? Do I take good care of you - as a
provider, protector and emotionally? Help her to help you reach her
needs.
Women ask your husband -
Do the needs described for men fit with you? Do I meet your needs for
physical intimacy? This can be a tricky one, because of the world we
live in. The world has become so focused on illicit relations, if
someone has turned to pornography, their minds and expectations can
become twisted and distorted with ideas that are not based on a healthy
loving monogamous relationship. That is a whole other issue - not to be
discussed here.
Personally, we (Kyle & Trish) were both a bit surprised that the other held these needs to be accurate. "Seriously? that's what you really feel?"
Understand, that these needs and feelings are God given and neither of
you should feel that the other is flawed because of their focus and
perspective.
Become Men of Courage
and Women of Passion
Men, have the courage to
love your wife. Tell her she is loved. Tell her she is beautiful. Don't
make her ask. Her: "Do you love me?" He: "yup!" - doesn't count for
much. Do all within your power to make her feel loved and secure. Ask
her what you can do. It will take a conscientious effort and real
courage before it becomes natural. However, you have got to mean it.
This endeavor is not to be construed as a more sophisticated way to
manipulate the relationship in to getting more intimacy. You see, women,
this is how the male mind can work. More tools, more strategies to
fulfill the need. Guys, cleaning the kitchen and tucking the kids in
bed, may not justify your expectations in her mind. Men, your heart has
got to change. You need to be willing to give, give, and give without
the expectation of your needs being met. Damaged relations take time to
heal. Your goal is to serve your wife with the things she needs, just as
the savior taught us unconditional service and love. This takes real
courage and is probably more difficult than slaying dragons.
Women, do all within
your power to fulfill your husband's needs. You may need to forgive
yourself of past held beliefs that intimacy is for men, or women aren't
supposed to enjoy it, or that you shouldn't be forward or pursue your
husband. Be willing to talk openly and allow both of you to grow and
heal in your relationship that may have become damage. Strive to become a
woman of passion who loves deeply and truly and strives to break down
heart wall barriers that may have prevented giving your self completely
emotionally to your husband.
Commit to respecting the body of your spouse as well as caring for your own. Respect and Serve.
Relationships that are
based on the 50/50 rule are doomed to frustration and emotional failure.
This is where many become trapped. Often one feels they have given
until they no longer can, then dig in their heels until they feel the
other has done their part. Conditional love, based on let me see what I
get, before I give are most unsatisfying. You will need to work on this
TOGETHER. The ideal relationship is base on unconditional love. It
requires forgiveness (letting go of past hurts), repentance (changing
your heart) and new beginnings. There can be no fault-finding or put
downs, no conditions on which we love, but rather this love is built on
caring, gentleness, lifting, and the total giving of oneself. Both
partners need to be committed and when both are truly committed to
serving God by serving and caring for the needs of their spouse the
marriage can heal and begin to thrive.
It is not too late to
have the love of your life (emotional and physical). Overcoming years of
difficulty, particularly when you have become entrenched in cold war
tactics can seem insurmountable. However, if both are willing to swallow
their pride and truly strive to bless the life of their beloved - based
on their needs - rather than seeking your own - things can truly
change. New perspectives may need to be acquired. Past hurts and
misunderstandings can be healed. Forgiveness can be sought for and
granted. Hearts can soften. Lives can grow closer to God and sweetness
and tenderness can once again become the heartbeat of your relationship.
We challenge you to have
the conversation. Take the necessary steps to bless the life of your
spouse - unconditionally, without reservations and with the best of your
ability. It will feel awkward in the beginning, but you will become a
better person and so will your beloved.
I am so out of my league
discussing this topic, but have felt prompted that this needs to
discussed and perhaps someone may benefit from these words.
Blessings,
Kyle D. Christensen
February 28, 2014
