The Examined Life
Kyle Christensen, DC – April 2013
Socrates' boldly stated "The unexamined life is not
worth living." He doesn't mince words. He doesn't say that the unexamined
life is "less meaningful than it could be". He simply and clearly says it's not even worth living. Our
lives truly are to be ones of spiritual growth and development, yet too many of
us are so caught up and overwhelmed with the busyness of each day that rarely
do we spend serious time in thought and introspection. As a result, we can lead lives of
RE-ACTION, rather than ACTION.
In my practice, my patients work with releasing trapped
emotions. There are several
methods taught today on how to release these trapped or repressed
emotions. We all experience
emotions for which we may not have the tools, support or experience to
adequately deal with. As a result,
the subconscious mind, in an effort to protect us, will stuff these emotions
down. We have learned that
“feelings buried alive, never die” but can later manifest as physical,
emotional or spiritual symptoms.
I have been troubled a bit by so many of the natural
therapies that are designed to relieve or remove spiritual or emotional issues
with the wave of a wand (or magnet).
And while I have seen miraculous results with some of these, there are
many for whom these treatments are only marginally effective or ineffective all
together.
Recall the story in the New Testament in Matthew chapter
17. Christ is up on the Mount of
Transfiguration with Peter, James and John. Returning they discover the remaining apostles who have
unsuccessfully tried to heal a young man possessed. Christ heals the young man. Later, the disciples inquire of the Lord, “Why could not we
cast him out?” He tells them it is
because of their unbelief and goes on to say “this kind goeth not out but by
prayer and fasting.”
I believe that there are many of us who may require more to
heal than sometimes the more simple approaches. In dealing with emotional scars and wounds, it may not be
sufficient that the well-intentioned practitioner run through the prescribed
course of treatment and expect complete healing. How many of us have “the kind of spiritual or emotional wound
that goeth not out but by prayer and fasting”.
In my searching for what I call Christ-Centered Healing, I
have come upon a procedure that I believe can help and guide us through the
healing process. It requires some
effort, but can result in a deep and lasting healing of deep wounds that have
long been resistant. This also is in line with Socrates’ statement of the
unexamined life. Sometimes we need
to face our demons and by so doing we can discover that our hardships, trials
and adversity can also be our teacher and our personal refiners fire. By examining our life, including abuses
and tragedy in the extreme, we may be able to find meaning, purpose, strength
and the power to overcome.
When we talk of Christ-Centered Healing, we enter into the
realm of the Atonement, Repentance and Forgiveness. Healing through the Savior is much more than lip service and
professing believe. The power of
healing through Christ is transformational. It is that of becoming a new person, who has truly partnered
with Christ (becoming yoked together with Christ – Matthew 11:28-30). It is being Born Again, experiencing
that Mighty Change and becoming a child of Christ.
Orson F. Whitney said
“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It
ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as
patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that
we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our
characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more
tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . .
and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we
gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us
more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”
The process I invite you to go through will take some
time. It is important that you
begin with a prayerful heart that God may reveal to you the words that you
should write. Your objective is
listen to the Spirit and truly strive to “come clean” and “get it all out” –
the hurt, the suffering, your part in it and the resultant blessings that may
have been disguised in your experiences.
Letting Go (Forgiveness) and
Obtaining a Divine Perspective of your Life’s
Journey
TRANSFORMATIONAL HEALING EXERCISE
Adapted and based
on the work of Samantha Hudson, M.A.
3-PART LETTERS
IMPORTANT:
Write all 3 parts for
each person in one sitting before reading it aloud to your therapist or trusted
partners! Do NOT write the first part & walk away. You will get stuck in the victim realm
of experience again.
PREPARATION: PRIOR TO WRITING
Letting go of your past is the most essential step in the
healing process. It is quite
expensive, as far as the energy it consumes in your life, to have emotional
attachments to the past. By
releasing the past, you make available much more energy for creating joy in the
present moment of now and the future “nows” to come. This is why all religions teach forgiveness of the past, and
to love and forgive your enemies.
Also, when you cancel the past, meaning that you understand why you
attracted the particular experience and don’t play the victim/aggressor game,
you no longer focus any present thoughts on the past so as not to re-create the
same or similar experiences in the future because you have heeded your lessons
and gleaned the blessings that have been disguised as a result of your
experiences.
This process is powerful because it helps you to detect how
a destructive belief or behavior pattern, which can be compared to running a
damaging computer virus, has operated in your family’s lineage causing feelings
of unworthiness through a cycle of victims and perpetrators often through
generations of family members. A
passed down, defunct viral/behavioral program eventually portrays itself as
genetic or inherited behavioral, relationship, emotional or physical issues,
ailments, diseases or pain.
Mapping or charting out these issues in your family will help you better
inform yourself to call this demon by name, so to speak, so that you can disarm
this viral/behavioral program (it really can act like an infectious contagious
illness) and its destructive effects.
Revealing or uncovering the family’s skeletons in the closet and
studying these in order to identify the associated patterns is much easier to
do when you are able to examine at least three generations. Of course, not all traumatic
events in life come through family relationships, but many do. So we focus on that. Understand that this process can and
should be used for all behavioral, relationship, emotional or physical issues,
ailments, diseases or painful issues.
The letter writing process that you will go through is
designed to energetically dispel or diffuse any emotions that you have not
allowed yourself to express or release for one reason or another. When you complete each of your letters,
you will find that miraculous physical, emotional, situational and relationship
healing can take place in your life.
These letters are meant for your individual healing and do not have to
be sent or given to the people involved unless you feel it would be
advantageous to do so. If indeed
this is something that you feel called to do, be sure to read it aloud to them
as opposed to simply just giving it to them. Be sure to include a copy of this
letter writing process with them prior to your sharing, so that they understand
your intention of the engagement as healing and not blaming. Healing will occur
on both behalves with or without physically sharing the information or the
letters. Please do not be
dissuaded from writing these out for the mere fact that you can’t even fathom
sharing this information with the subject individual. I repeat, that you do not have to share this with them. This is for YOUR healing. Do it for YOU.
The first step prior to beginning this letter writing
process is to take the time and focus on what and who you are still hanging on
to.
Sit quietly with yourself with the intent to bring to your conscious
mind any situations or people that you harbor resentment or guilt feelings
for. On a piece of paper, make a
list of anyone that springs to mind.
Do not resist writing someone down because you think it is too minor. If
you are having a difficult time, first make a list of any resentments or
regrets and then note the people associated with these situations. Now, prioritize this list of people. Take the first person on your list that
you have the most unresolved feelings for and move on to the next step.
For many it is best to begin with one 3-part letter to
either mom or dad ( or your main caregiver) as this illuminates many of the
behavior patterns that are repeated later with romantic partners, grown
children or ex-spouses when you do finally address these individuals too. Often we go into relationships that
mirror or attract to us the unhealthy relationship we may have had with a parent. This can be a necessary experience in
the healing of dysfunctional behavior patterns that have been passed down from
many generations. Often I see
those who have become saviors to future generations as they break the cycle of
unhealthy parent-child patterns.
After you have completed the entire process with the one
parent, wait about a week or two and then address the other parent. You don't realize how much of your life
is hinged upon these emotional attachments until the emotional shifts begin to occur
following each letter to caregivers. These particular letters spawn many
changes in your life and environment for the better. Even though the internal
and emotional changes are for the best, can be difficult readjusting our life
as we may still be attached to the old people, routines & structures that
have caused us distress. So,
please do not complete both parents within the same week as this can stimulate
too much change too quickly for you.
Letting go of these, even if it brings welcomed relief, can still be a
bit destabilizing or disconcerting for a while. However, it is essential to let go of these familiar people,
habits, situations and circumstances, so that "the highest in us" can
honor your new perceptions of the world by restructuring your new perspective
of the world with gifts of new, more joyful & abundant experiences. (After your caregivers are completed,
any other letters that you feel you must complete, can do so as close together
as you choose as these will be more minor clean up issues.)
(Note: It is
important to write all parental types in your life, even if the were completely
absent from your life (birth parents if adopted, orphaned or abandoned), as
this will explain a lot about attachment & relational issues that come
later. This abandonment pain must
be addressed, expressed & transformed. If they are no longer living today, it is still greatly
important to write these and share them.)
PART 1: PLAYING THE VICTIM & RESTORING POWER
Begin this letter with a pray that you may be able to think
clearly and express the pain and issues that are your true feelings. Call upon the Lord to assist you in
unleashing pent up and hurtful emotions.
A: Expressing Your Emotions as the Victim
B: Restate Your Worthiness that was lost as a result!
Write in first person like you are speaking to this
person right in front of you. Say
everything that was left unsaid and
restate what (power) it is that you sense you lost at the time. Express all of the pain, anger or grief
you felt in the past and also presently.
IMPORTANT: It
is usually helpful to take a walk prior to writing as this opens up your
insight (connection to God and tune in to that highest perspective) and can
offer insights by gaining a new perspective with which to see this situation or
relationship.
EXAMPLE: If you lost your voice, then you would restate;
A: "I am angry and hurt that you did not listen to my
pleas for help or my desires of what I wanted to do with my life. For years I have lived with feelings of
insecurity and for this I am sad, angry, depressed and ashamed. You should have allowed me to speak my
mind. You were wrong for not
teaching me that I am important and that I am worthy of speaking.
B: Today, I am choosing to see myself as important & do
know that my voice is worth hearing. From now on, I will invoke it with love,
tactfulness and mutual respect when I have something to express or share. I will honor myself, despite the fact
that you did not. You no longer
hold my power. I am reclaiming
it."
PART 2: TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR BEING A PERPETRATOR TOO
Because you were acted upon, human experience has shown that
we also act out based on the forces and pressures we experience. As a result of our experiences, we too
can and may have acted inappropriately or less that we should have. In this part of the exercise, do not
attempt to justify any feelings, behaviors or attitudes. Plead for divine guidance to direct
your thoughts and words. Each of
us fall short, sin and need the blessings of repentance. This part is not for you to accept
blame for abuse or harm that came upon you, rather it is an open and full
acknowledgement for your shortcomings and behaviors. Do not take the opinion or attitude of “Well, I guess I
deserved the abuse or the misbehavior acted upon me was somehow
justified”. We are shedding the
victim persona. This step acknowledges our sins, misdeeds and imperfections as it relates to any person, but also in our life in general. Understand that we are in the process of transforming into the person God intends us to become. As we humbly accept responsibility for every aspect of our lives, we can be comforted and healed.
A: Recognizing
& Taking Responsibility for Perpetrating Similar Behaviors to others in the
past and currently.
B: Restoring
Power to Your Victims through Resolve
C:
Understanding the Compassionate “Being in their Shoes” Perspective:
Relieving the Personal Attack Component from any Party Involved. (Forgive them
for they Know Not what they Do; Separating the Behavior (Viral Program-Sin)
from the Individual.
D: Discerning
and Transforming any Associated Destructive Beliefs
When we feel victimized, it stimulates us to judge our
perceived perpetrator. Judging actually generates urges within you to act out
the very same behaviors as the person(s) you judged. You either acted these urges out and became the perpetrator
of the very same act to another, or you have denied these urges as they have
arisen, thinking that you won't pass it along. The disturbing fact here is, if you deny urges that arise,
they actually are suppressed and become trapped emotions that will eventually
begin to effect the physical or chemical aspects of your body, creating
emotional issues, physical disease (cancer) or injury (pain). Meaning that you actually gave the
viral/behavioral program (the effects of the harmful experiences) to yourself
instead, and in so doing, you perpetrated the negativity to yourself, making
you both the perpetrator and the victim; which still puts you in the shoes of
your perpetrator of Part 1 so that you may now be able to understand the
non-intention of your loved one harming you, but understand their ignorance;
just as you repeated this pattern upon your subconscious self in ignorance too.
(“Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” -Jesus)
A: The topic that you are addressing here is along the lines
of: Where have you repeated the
same pattern? Without any doubt, you have given this viral/behavioral program
to others or quite possibly, yourself.
You must discover how & where in order to fully understand the
nature of this viral/behavioral program & how it spreads to become the
antidote. This is where you must
become an objective investigator researching the nature of this viral or
behavioral program and how it worked it’s way through you to others. (Be aware that viral/behavioral
programs often skip a generation by flipping opposite judgments & resultant
behaviors. For instance, a prude
mother will parent a daughter who will be promiscuous who will become an overly
open mother who will generate a prude daughter. Another example is that a strict parent usually produces an
overly permissive parent creating the very same hardships for the
offspring. These are harder to
detect, but you must notice them.)
B: Once you discover from whom you have taken power (who you
have offended because your behavior has reflected the behavior imposed on you),
it is important that you take responsibility for your part and give this power
back. Seek resolve by reaching out
to each victim. Restore the worthiness/self-esteem that you ignorantly took
from them and set the record straight (turning the tables over in the temple to
remove the imbalances caused by karma or the ledger). We seek and ask forgiveness. In the Lord’s Prayer, in essence we are asking to be forgiven
to the degree that we forgive. Or
put in another way, “Lord forgive me, only to the extent that I forgive
others”.
C. Realizing that you have been both a perpetrator and a
victim makes it easy for you to find compassion for those that you have resented/been
hurt by in the past by putting yourself in the very shoes of the person you
felt/feel resentment for when you were younger. This is now an opportunity to "understand" your
enemy (love your enemy) to learn that the person you are writing to most likely
didn't mean to affect you like they did. You will learn that they did not take your power
(self-esteem and emotional well-being) on purpose or because you aren't worthy
of love, attention, etc. They were
acting out the same viral or behavioral program that was imposed on them. (Forgive them, for they know not what
they do –said Jesus Christ). Just
as you are realizing that you didn't want to send that same message to the
person(s) you have perpetrated the same act toward
D: In addition, TAKING RESPONSIBILITY allows us to identify
any false or destructive agreements/beliefs that need to be weeded from your
garden as well. You must shift
these beliefs or they will continue to attract the same destructive
circumstances or events via the laws of manifestation and attraction that you
would like to dispel or get rid of even though you completed this process.
Remember that true repentance is a change of heart. It is not simply forcing behavior. When the heart is changed, changes in behavior can more
easily occur. The true message and
power of the Atonement of Christ is one of Transformation, not just acceptance
or belief.
EXAMPLE: If you
took someone else's voice, then you would restate to them;
A: “I realize that I have passed on a destructive pattern to
you.
B: Your voice is worth hearing and I apologize for not
allowing you to have one. From now
on I will allow you to share or express your feelings to me in a respectful
manner, and I will listen with love, understanding and mutual respect.
C: I apologize for doing the same thing to you that my
parents did to me. I realize now that my parents were just repeating what their
parents had taught them and that they didn’t purposely teach me that I am not
worthy to express myself. I forgive them because I really do understand how we
ignorantly pass these along.
D: I realize now that my parent’s belief became my belief by
default. I no longer believe that
“You are to respect your elders and not ask questions when you are given direction"
is not one I choose to have anymore.”
PART 3: MAKING THIS EXPERIENCE PERFECT TODAY
Here is the key, the blessing and the true purpose of all of
the hardships and trials we are call upon to suffer in this life. Please understand that each of our
lives, no matter how difficult have meaning and purpose. And though we suffer injustices and
abuse, Christ also suffered. Our
lives were not meant to be easy.
Finding meaning and growth through the things we suffer is how we can
become sanctified and purified before God. Even as the refiners fire.
See the Blessings in Disguise:
No regrets and no grudges! Going through the duality experience of perpetrator/victim
brings you back into balance, but it will not stabilize in this balanced
position unless you affix the perfection of this experience to the memory.
You will discover that going without or feeling abandoned or
neglected builds strengths, passions, gifts, aptitudes & relationships that
would not exist presently, without all of the strife or suffering from
before. In other words, all of the
darkness that you have illuminated and shined light upon in this healing
process actually holds the keys to your Divine Life Purpose, and if acted upon,
culminates into the very passions, directions, skills and strengths that you
will joyfully utilize when operating at optimum (following God’s will) capacity
that will attract to you more blessings and joy than you could have ever
imagined before when you were stuck in your unworthy, disconnected state of
mind. Be sure to thank your
loved one that played the perfect perpetrator for you to develop all of the
hidden blessings that were reaped from your lack in that relationship. Also,
thank your Heavenly Father for loving you enough to provide difficult life
experiences that, for you, were perfect in that it has guided you to become who
God intends for you to be. Without
your unique experiences and trials, you could not become a son or daughter of
Christ.
This is the part that makes it different from what you get
in traditional therapy. You must
change your story. No longer do
you tell the same stories over and over seeking sympathy, that’s the victim’s
way that only attracts more situations and circumstances to feel
victimized. You now understand the purpose in suffering and will
no longer participate in pity parties.
This is where you understand the “bigger picture”! A good way to begin this part is to use
phrasing similar to the following:
“I am so grateful for this experience because today…“ or “This experience was exactly perfect
because I learned…”
EXAMPLE: If you had an abusive father who battered you with
defeating comments and was neglectful of your feelings and non-consoling, you
would begin by thanking him.
Write something similar to this:
“Thank you, dad, for playing the perfect character in my
life to teach me that I must love myself and build myself up, and that no one
would do it for me. Thank you for
teaching me self-reliance and how to forgive. Thank you for being all the things that I don’t want to
be, so that I could easily recognize what I do want to be. I know
that this experience was exactly perfect because I am now in a position to
empathize and help others who are going through similar circumstances and I can
be the example of how these experiences can serve them as they have me
today.
In addition, I have gained amazing skills during the course
of our relationship. I became very
intuitive because I was in a constant state of alertness and awareness in order
to survive your perpetual beat-downs, which are now skills I regularly utilize
as my work to thrive. In fact, I
realize that I would go through this again in order to gain these, as this gift
is what I most like about myself today as I serve God, others and myself with
it. This brings me great joy and
would not exist if we actually got along! Thank you, God, for giving me this perfectly
strained unharmonious relationship that made me search for comfort in YOU. All of
these experiences have led me to this very moment, where I am becoming
enlightened and for that, I am eternally grateful.”
COMPLETION: YOU ARE NOT DONE YET!
This is the most important part. If you skip this step, you did not balance the two
hemispheres of your brain by listening to your own words from all three
perspectives. Now that you have
completed all three parts, share this ALOUD with trusted individuals that
support your healing journey. A
therapist can help you glean anything that you may have missed, so that you do
not have to repeat the process. If
you are short on friends and family, then seek a counselor who is knowledgeable
in spiritual matters. Share it
several times. Keep sharing it
until you feel that all of the strong negative emotions attached to the person
or situation are no longer there. It will eventually need to feel as if
it is old news and no longer important to share. Once your work is complete, destroy the letter and rejoice
for you are healing on many levels.
You may want to burn your letter, symbolically allowing the smoke rise
us to heaven. You can definitely
expect changes in your physical, relational, spiritual, financial, familial,
situational, mental and emotional health.
This is healing that comes through the power and atonement of Jesus
Christ. These are truly glorious moments when all of the "old"
garbage just simply ceases.
Repeat this method with as many of the individuals on your
list as necessary. You will find
that after you complete a few letters that you will only need to mentally fulfill
the exercise with the remaining people on your list. If you are really hard on yourself, be sure to include a
letter to you as well.
Sometimes you may need to revisit this process if more information is
revealed to you later, but now you have it down, so that should not be a
problem.
Congratulations on your courage to face your demons or
better said, viral patterns or destructive behavioral patterns (past). Pat yourself on your back for a job
well done and share your healing with anyone and everyone. Now, you are off to discover your
purpose as you serve and bless the lives of others. You are now better equipped and prepared to live joyfully in
the present moment.
